by Dr. Jeffrey Lant
Ok, it’s time you acknowledged that inconvenient
truth you’ve buried for so long. In high school, in
college you were not the most popular kid on the
block. And it hurt.
truth you’ve buried for so long. In high school, in
college you were not the most popular kid on the
block. And it hurt.
That acne!
That hideous hair!
Those clothes! Yikes!
And the nickname! (One of my room mates was
called “The Worm” and for good reason).
called “The Worm” and for good reason).
The elect called you
dweeb
nerd
loser
They called you everything but on the telephone where
the in-crowd disseminated the latest designed-to-exclude
patois and invitations to its (unauthorized and therefore highly
desirable) parties.
the in-crowd disseminated the latest designed-to-exclude
patois and invitations to its (unauthorized and therefore highly
desirable) parties.
It is not a pretty story.
Still time for damage control
You can’t erase those grotesque memories of
yore (and your own psychological damages)…
but you can significantly modify them
IF (and it’s a crucial if) you ace your class
reunion(s). This primer of must-follow advice
is just in the nick of time to do so. Kool.
yore (and your own psychological damages)…
but you can significantly modify them
IF (and it’s a crucial if) you ace your class
reunion(s). This primer of must-follow advice
is just in the nick of time to do so. Kool.
You see, class reunions give you the
opportunity to put unsettling ghosts to rest.
They both help reshape your personal history
while updating you on the have-to-know histories
of your classmates, particularly the ones you
didn’t like.
opportunity to put unsettling ghosts to rest.
They both help reshape your personal history
while updating you on the have-to-know histories
of your classmates, particularly the ones you
didn’t like.
The 18th century sage Voltaire wrote that
“history is a pack of tricks the living play on the dead.”
If he’d had class reunions to attend, he might
have added that such events are occasions
where the olds play tricks on the young. As such, it’s most
important to play your reunions absolutely right.
“history is a pack of tricks the living play on the dead.”
If he’d had class reunions to attend, he might
have added that such events are occasions
where the olds play tricks on the young. As such, it’s most
important to play your reunions absolutely right.
It’s still about looks, stupid!
Wise, empathetic teachers soothed you with the
profound knowledge that when you got older, you’d
be valued for who you were, for your many attainments
and gifts to civilization; that it wouldn’t be all be about
looks and clothes and such superficial matters.
Rubbish!
profound knowledge that when you got older, you’d
be valued for who you were, for your many attainments
and gifts to civilization; that it wouldn’t be all be about
looks and clothes and such superficial matters.
Rubbish!
In writing this article, I asked several reunion survivors
what points they’d like me to make. The first, a sensible
Midwestern woman of a certain age, blurted out “weight”;
she was immediately followed by another such woman,
Canadian, who chimed in with “clothes.”
what points they’d like me to make. The first, a sensible
Midwestern woman of a certain age, blurted out “weight”;
she was immediately followed by another such woman,
Canadian, who chimed in with “clothes.”
These two items headed the most-agonized-over
items in high school… and they still head the list, at least
as class reunions go, today. Those soothing lines
expertly delivered were just that… soothing lines.
The inconvenient truth, irrefutable, is what we always
knew: the superficials count as much as ever, maybe
even more as time’s winged chariot runs over
and pulverizes our much prized little vanities.
items in high school… and they still head the list, at least
as class reunions go, today. Those soothing lines
expertly delivered were just that… soothing lines.
The inconvenient truth, irrefutable, is what we always
knew: the superficials count as much as ever, maybe
even more as time’s winged chariot runs over
and pulverizes our much prized little vanities.
Work it, baby, or it’s not just the eyes of
Texas which are upon you
Texas which are upon you
Remember that great ball screen from “War and
Peace” where the young countess Natasha Rostova
ascends the grand staircase of a St Petersburg
palace, certain that every jaundiced, aristocratic eye,
particularly of the feminine persuasion, is looking at
her, critically assessing? She was right…
Peace” where the young countess Natasha Rostova
ascends the grand staircase of a St Petersburg
palace, certain that every jaundiced, aristocratic eye,
particularly of the feminine persuasion, is looking at
her, critically assessing? She was right…
This is a truth you cannot forget. Reunions are
about assessments raised and lowered. They are
about who made it… and who didn’t. As such everything
about you (and your dearly beloved) can and will be
scrutinized and scrutinized again. Prepare accordingly,
weeks in advance because the assessments your
classmates will make start the very instant
you appear. They are inevitable, withering, without
mercy or chance of appeal. This is true whether
your reunion is stylish and sophisticated, in an
opulent hotel’s grand ballroom… or at Billy’s greasy
pizza parlor.
about assessments raised and lowered. They are
about who made it… and who didn’t. As such everything
about you (and your dearly beloved) can and will be
scrutinized and scrutinized again. Prepare accordingly,
weeks in advance because the assessments your
classmates will make start the very instant
you appear. They are inevitable, withering, without
mercy or chance of appeal. This is true whether
your reunion is stylish and sophisticated, in an
opulent hotel’s grand ballroom… or at Billy’s greasy
pizza parlor.
To make the right entrance and start your reunion
experience off right, the following features are de rigueur:
experience off right, the following features are de rigueur:
1) Weight. Every extra pound (the ones your
careful spouse dances around denominating)
detracts from the effect you must make. The
Duchess of Windsor said, “No one can be too
rich or too thin,” and her grace ought to know.
The weight loss and toning program produces
far more than health benefits; it’s all about making
the killer entrance that the high school in crowd
always had down pat.
careful spouse dances around denominating)
detracts from the effect you must make. The
Duchess of Windsor said, “No one can be too
rich or too thin,” and her grace ought to know.
The weight loss and toning program produces
far more than health benefits; it’s all about making
the killer entrance that the high school in crowd
always had down pat.
2) Clothes. The effect you seek, whether man
or woman, is unmistakable, immediately visible,
always impacting casual chic; that is, clothes
classically cut, elegant even when older and
even worn. It takes a trained eye to produce
the effect… but any eye can see it’s there.
or woman, is unmistakable, immediately visible,
always impacting casual chic; that is, clothes
classically cut, elegant even when older and
even worn. It takes a trained eye to produce
the effect… but any eye can see it’s there.
My mother, for instance, had a classic little
black dress. One day I noticed a tiny moth
hole. My mother’s resounding response, “But,
darling, it’s Chanel!”. Ah, yes. Of course. That’s
the perfect effect your ensemble should produce.
black dress. One day I noticed a tiny moth
hole. My mother’s resounding response, “But,
darling, it’s Chanel!”. Ah, yes. Of course. That’s
the perfect effect your ensemble should produce.
One 20-year reunion veteran claimed he didn’t
understand why the women made such an
effort. Then, upon a moment’s thought, he
had that “aha” moment: “I bet they want to
impress all the men!” My, my. Can’t pull
the wool over his eyes. So, tell me, do you think
that’s what those indomitable femme fatales are doing
as they strut their stuff before the censorious and
unyielding eyes of their sex? Every reunion veteran
certainly knows.
understand why the women made such an
effort. Then, upon a moment’s thought, he
had that “aha” moment: “I bet they want to
impress all the men!” My, my. Can’t pull
the wool over his eyes. So, tell me, do you think
that’s what those indomitable femme fatales are doing
as they strut their stuff before the censorious and
unyielding eyes of their sex? Every reunion veteran
certainly knows.
3) Mandatory, chauffeur-driven limousine. This
has many advantages: 1) designated driver already
in place; 2) definitely come ups those peons who
drive themselves; 3) causes all the necessary
heads to turn… and wonder how you (of all people)
turned out so well after all. Enough said.
has many advantages: 1) designated driver already
in place; 2) definitely come ups those peons who
drive themselves; 3) causes all the necessary
heads to turn… and wonder how you (of all people)
turned out so well after all. Enough said.
By the way, should you need such a driver
and equipage when in the Boston, Massachusetts
area, contact me, and I’l refer Mr. Aime Joseph,
who has driven me elegantly and always on
time for many years.
and equipage when in the Boston, Massachusetts
area, contact me, and I’l refer Mr. Aime Joseph,
who has driven me elegantly and always on
time for many years.
Quick Reunion Tips
Item: Always come fashionably late. Act as if
you are the person people wait for.
you are the person people wait for.
Item: Always have business cards. Writing
particulars indistinctly on napkins is infra dig.
particulars indistinctly on napkins is infra dig.
Item: Don’t dance unless it’s a tune you
can fox trot to with elegant figures. Disarranging your
clothes and coiffeur is indefensible, and unnecessary.
can fox trot to with elegant figures. Disarranging your
clothes and coiffeur is indefensible, and unnecessary.
Item: Don’t drink. As you can tell from this
article, you need your wits about you. Don’t
let the sauce spoil all your plans.
article, you need your wits about you. Don’t
let the sauce spoil all your plans.
Item: do take pictures. And do remember
to write down at the time they are taken (not developed)
just who’s in them. If you don’t, in time
you’ll forget and fail to note even your first
high octane high school flame.
to write down at the time they are taken (not developed)
just who’s in them. If you don’t, in time
you’ll forget and fail to note even your first
high octane high school flame.
One more thing
If you intend that this reunion be your
last, feel free to disregard any or all of these
rules. Just go and have a helluva good
thing, always remembering that when you do
you’ll confirm every catty thing your classmates have
ever said. Party hardy, however, with the people you
care about and have reconnected with, and it will
be worth it.
last, feel free to disregard any or all of these
rules. Just go and have a helluva good
thing, always remembering that when you do
you’ll confirm every catty thing your classmates have
ever said. Party hardy, however, with the people you
care about and have reconnected with, and it will
be worth it.
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